Crimes

 

"Unfortunately, it's not a movie, it's all real."

Pansexual hedonist Harry Francis (Gianni Dei) has been poisoned at his own drug-fueled orgy but Police Inspector Sanders (Tony Valente) soon discovers that none of the guests is willing to talk. The owner of the house - famous journalist, TV host, giallo author and photographer Bob Rawling (Saverio Vallone) - is eager to start his own parallel investigation. Once it's revealed that an 8mm film taken at the party could reveal the identity of the killer, people connected to the case start getting murdered by a masked assassin. Is Harry's murder connected to mafia drug trafficking? Can Bob reveal the killer's identity before it's too late?

Crimes (not to be confused with Crimes of the Black Cat) is awful on all fronts. Lazy writing and ponderous acting are compounded by uninspired visuals. And to wrap it in a bow, the filmmakers tacked on the most unimaginative title possible. There are times when characters are introduced, but we don't learn their names or relationships to each other until well into the movie. Two characters are introduced in the last five minutes of the film and don't even get the luxury of names. But the biggest flaw is in the editing. There's no sense of sequential storytelling, remarkably few establishing shots to help us orient ourselves and we're even denied a "big reveal" moment when the killer is unmasked - we just jump cut to an ending, with the Inspector explaining everything in a monologue. The incriminating film at the center of Crimes is reminiscent of the diary in Blood and Black Lace, so at least this movie chose its inspiration well.

• I've seen giallo victims killed by poison in a number of ways, but I think this is the first time a killer carries around a live snake and holds it up to the victim's neck.

• This movie was directed by Giovanna Lenzi, but it's unclear if she is any relation to director Umberto Lenzi. You may know Giovanna as an actress from her appearances in A... For Assassin and you may remember her as Susan, the mysterious woman in a white cape in the aforementioned Crimes of the Black Cat. She also plays the first victim's sister, Julie in this film.

• Three of the deaths listed above occurred during the lumber mill shootout.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

SPOILERS AHEAD

This movie takes up time to present not one but THREE prolonged and highly superfluous sex scenes, including Betty's (Michela Miti) elaborate striptease through three rooms of a house.

Also, this movie includes an act break with title cards:

How dare you, movie. Who do you think you are, Lawrence of Arabia?

Finally, Except for his corpse at the opening crime scene, we first meet Harry in a flashback, joking around with his sister, Marita (Laura Troshel). So it's a shock late in the movie when we suddenly cut to Harry in an apartment, dancing to records and chatting on the phone. What's going on? Who's flashback is this?

Turns out, it's not a flashback - Harry faked his death as an elaborate prank. An elaborate prank that led to the brutal deaths of eight other people. Nice job, jerk.

Also, please note that Harry is wearing a yellow shirt on a yellow couch against a yellow wall. This is the one and only time the art department got their act together to do something in service of the story.

By the way, it's never explained how Harry faked his emaciated, poisoned corpse at the beginning of the film. 

Fashion Moment:

As a wealthy heiress, Marita is the most put-together character in the movie.

But can you really call it an 80's movie if there isn't impractical, brightly colored spandex?