Naked Girl Killed In A Park

Naked Girl Killed In a Park

Johann Wallenberger, a wealthy industrialist, emerges from the haunted house ride at a Madrid amusement park dead and missing a bag of cash. His insurance company is suspicious, of course, so they assign the case to their top investigator, playboy detective Chris Buyer (Robert Hoffman). Chris goes undercover by starting a relationship with Wallenberger's youngest daughter, Catherine (Pilar Velasquez) and she soon takes him home to meet her outspoken sister Barbara (Patrizia Adiutori) and her mother, Magda (Irina Demick). But Chris finds more than he bargained for as the fragile Catherine takes ill, hot-blooded Barbara seduces him, and Magda loses her grip on reality in the wake of her husband's suspicious death. Before long, more killings occur – could they be covering up a blackmail scheme? Or are long-held grudges finally coming due? Could the killer be Gunther (Howard Ross), the creepy caretaker or Magda herself? Or perhaps Chris's rival investigator at the insurance company is sabotaging his reputation?

The title Naked Girl Killed In a Park (not to be confused with Naked You Die) has a sensational newspaper-headline urgency, but the story hits all the standard giallo beats. It does have three endings, though. About an hour in you'll say "boy, they wrapped that up quicker than usual" and then discover that there are still questions to answer. Then there's a twist and a killer is named. Then that killer is murdered and the real mastermind is dispatched in a satisfyingly gruesome fashion.

• The title is sort of accurate. A naked girl is found in a garden on the grounds of the Wallenberger estate - not a public park as the title suggests. Johann's body was found fully clothed in an amusement park.
• You may remember Adolfo Celi (Inspector Huber) from Who Saw Her Die? or as Largo in Thunderball.
• The same year he composed the score to Naked Girl Killed In a Park, Carlo Savina conducted the recording sessions for Nino Rota's Oscar-winning soundtrack to The Godfather.

What the Hell Am I Watching?

 Shortly after they meet, Chris takes Catherine on a date to the amusement park. Yes, the same amusement park where her father was found murdered only days before. Way to be sensitive, Chris.

Fashion Moment

Just because she's in mourning doesn't mean Magda can't dress a little flashy. Check out this sparkly sequined jumpsuit.

And this sexy, backless evening gown.

Spasmo

Spasmo

"It's all so absurd, meaningless. But what's absurd is dangerous."

When Christian Bauman (Robert Hoffman) and his girlfriend Xenia (Maria Pia Conte) discover an unconscious woman named Barbara (Suzy Kendall) lying on a rocky stretch of beach, it's only the beginning of a bizarre series of events. Christian starts an affair with Barbara at a hotel, but while he's getting ready in the bathroom he's attacked by a thug in a black suit (Dario Argento look-alike Adolfo Lastretti). During the struggle, the attacker's gun goes off, killing him, but upon returning, Christian finds that the body is gone. Christian and Barbara then hide out at a seaside castle, where they encounter an old man named Malcom (Guido Alberti) and a young woman named Clorinda (Monica Monet), who seem strangely familiar to Christian. Soon, the killer returns to stalk the castle's residents. Was he sent by Barbara's jealous boyfriend, Alex (Mario Erpichini)? Or by Christian's brother, Fritz (Ivan Rassimov)? And who is staging murders in the woods with life-sized rubber mannequins? Nothing is as it seems as Christian tries desperately to untangle the mysteries that surround him.

Spasmo (not to be confused with the giallo Orgasmo, which, in turn, is not to be confused with Trey Parker's super hero comedy Orgazmo) is a big sweaty fever dream for its entire first hour.  It follows an incomprehensible, disjointed story line, features absurd, wooden dialogue comprised largely of non-sequiters, and has characters whose actions have no basis in reality. It's like ten different screenwriters each wrote five pages on their own, which were then shuffled up and filmed. Things come together in the last 30 minutes and, though it's never completely coherent, at least it attempts to explain the preceding story elements and draw the film to a reasonable conclusion. This movie is cocoanuts.

• The title is as meaningless and incomprehensible as the plot and Ennio Morricone's dissonant, chaotic score captures the lunacy well.
• Ivan Rassimov, who is billed third, doesn't show up until over an hour into this 93-minute movie.
• After two scenes, Xenia disappears from the movie. This is never explained.
• I do appreciate how the movie comes full circle, with a body on the beach.
• Four of the six fake murders are committed on rubber dolls.

What The Hell Am I Watching?

The dialogue in this movie is bonkers.  Before heading to a hotel for their rendezvous, Barbara asks Christian to shave off his beard. He politely offers to rape her in the car instead and she laughs it off like he's just said something charming. WHAT?

Later, when Christian stumbles out of the bathroom with a gun in hand after apparently murdering a random attacker, Barbara reacts by asking "What's the matter?" instead of "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A GUN?"

On the lam, late in the movie, Christian hitchhikes with a young woman who tells him "You remind me of a dying chicken." Have I been taking crazy pills? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

For most of her time on screen, it's unclear weather or not Clorinda is a robot.

Fritz has edited together a very specific set of home movies for the end of the film. Why would you want to watch Super-8 footage of your father's funeral? Or document your trip to the insane assylum? Weird!

Here's a Spasmo drinking game: drink every time some exclaims "Look!"

Fashion Moment

The Killer (whose name, we later learn, is Tatum) wears this black suit with a red shirt. It's basically a standard-issue hitman uniform.

Later, once the movie turns a corner, Christian puts on the suit, taking over the tough guy role.

Death Carries a Cane

 Death Carries a Cane

"You know, Kitty, I think you read too many detective novels."

While showing relatives the sights in Rome, photographer Kitty Hoffman (Neves Navarro, credited as Susan Scott) witnesses a brutal murder through an observation point telescope. Though she can't make out the killer's face, she does notice a few important details  – including the fact that the killer walks with a cane. As Kitty and her husband Robert (Alberto Marosini) are working on a musical revue with composer Marco (Simon Andreu), she continues to follow the case as more young women and witnesses to the crimes are murdered. Inspector Merughi (George Martin) and Marco's girlfriend, reporter Lidia Arrighi (Anuska Borova) are also keen to solve the case. What do the victims have in common? Does he know that Kitty was a witness – and if so, is her life in danger?

Death Carries a Cane is a classic-style giallo with several bloody murders, a twisty plot, a black-clad killer, a little humor, and lots of completely gratuitous sex scenes. I only wish it had a better resolution. The opening is a clever take on Hitchcock's Rear Window, though. It should be noted that Anuska Borova plays both good-girl reporter Lidia Arrighi and her twin sister, the petulant Silvia Arrighi. Most of the time, Lidia wears glasses, but sometimes it's difficult to tell who we're looking at.

• The original Italian title is Passi di Danza su una Lama di Rasoio, which literally translates as Dance Steps on a Razor Blade.
• The clues lead to a Russian dance academy, which I'm counting as an "All-girl school."
• Though we don't see it, the murder of an Australian ballerina occurs before the action of the movie starts. It's included in the body count above.

What the Hell am I Watching?

Two words: glitter bewbs.

In one completely baffling scene, Marco is distraught over the death of a dancer from his show and he mournfully plays her song on the piano. Things turn weird when Lidia arrives and the two start making the sexy eyes at each other. Nakedness ensues.

The film's big comic moment comes when Kitty agrees to lure the killer out by pretending to be a hooker. When a suspicious cane-wielding John picks her up the police swarm in... only to discover that the man is the Chief of Police.

What kind of grown-ups use the word "toodle-oo" to say goodbye?

Before (and during) a break-in at the dance academy, Kitty takes a pee-break. And we just sit around and wait until she's done. There is no reason for this to have been included in the movie.

Fashion Moment

This purse turns out to be an important way to lure the killer out of the shadows.